Negative Thought Patterns

As a result of the betrayal trauma I have been experiencing for the past 3 months, I have found it really difficult not to dwell in a terrible downward spiral of negative self-talk.

The thing is, I know logically that my husband's addiction and related behaviors are not about me. My head can understand that. But the nature of this addiction makes it feel so inescapably personal sometimes.

Self-esteem is a complicated thing. It doesn't just involve how you feel about yourself, and I am realizing that perhaps for the first time. For the past many years, I have felt like I have pretty high self-esteem. I suffered from clinical depression for about 7 years as a teenager, and through medical intervention and therapy, I came to a much healthier view of myself, which I have maintained pretty well since then.

However, one area in which I have suffered-- and I never understood this as being self-esteem before-- is in how I believe others view me. I have been in this mental place for a long time of believing that nobody else in the world likes to be around me. That my mere presence is a burden to other people. That anyone who befriends me is doing so out of charity. That people are generally better off when I am not around. And I just feel bad for people who have to associate with me, and that has included my husband.

It has only been through this process that I have begun to understand the serious toll this belief has taken on my mental and emotional health, not to mention on my interpersonal relationships. It has also only been through this process that I have identified how my husband's emotionally abusive behaviors, which follow a pattern of how my father (among others) has treated me, have seriously exacerbated this issue to a dangerous level.

It is painful to realize these truths, and yet, realizing them is essential to my recovery.

When it comes to negative self-talk, I hear a lot of people are tempted to believe, "If I were better, or if I were prettier, my husband wouldn't have fallen into this addiction."

My negative self-talk is a little different. I believe that I am a beautiful person, inside and out. However, I do not believe that my husband thinks so. I have such a hard time believing him when he says that I am perfect, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, that he is happy and satisfied with our marriage, and that he loves me.

It is so hard for me to believe that he loves me, because how can you do this to someone you love? It is impossible for me to believe that he is satisfied with me, because if he was, why would he seek out hundreds of thousands of other women, preferring masturbating to them above having sex with me? If he were satisfied with me, why would he commit the emotional infidelities he has committed and even contemplate leaving me to be with a woman he doesn't even know?

The problem is, my husband's actions have given me a lot of evidence to support these beliefs that I dwell on a lot:

• My husband doesn't love me
• My husband isn't attracted to me
• My husband isn't happy with our marriage
• My husband regrets his decision to marry me
• My husband wishes I was different in x number of ways
• My husband doesn't really even like who I am as a person
• My husband is only trying to convince himself that he likes (and loves) me and is happy with me

As for the solution for this negative self-talk? I'm not sure yet. I want this blog to be positive and helpful to others, but I also realize that I don't always have the answers. As a matter of fact, I usually don't. I am struggling with this a lot right now. Whenever my husband tells me how much he loves me, I feel like he is lying to himself as well as to me.

All I know is that if I continue in these negative thought patterns, it will destroy me and it will destroy any chance our marriage has at succeeding.

I am welcome to any and all suggestions, and I plan to bring this up with my therapist this week. I'll write if I find any brilliant answers.

Measuring Progress

I have been getting frustrated with myself lately. Every time I feel like I make progress toward healing, something sets me back a thousand paces.

Are you familiar with the stages of grief? They are:

1. Shock and confusion
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness
5. Bargaining
6. Acceptance

I feel like I have spent a lot of time in the first four stages, and not necessarily in order. I had felt like I was able to move toward acceptance, if not even dip my toes into it to see what it feels like. And then last night I was cycling back through those first four stages again like a mad woman, finally dwelling in the sadness of it all.

Elder Uchtdorf said, "The greatest battle of life is fought within the silent chambers of the soul." How true that is. Every night I go to bed completely exhausted, feeling like I have fought an entire war that day. This process of healing is unbelievably taxing. It takes its toll, and it is relentless.

Tomorrow my husband, son, and I are going on a vacation for a week during my husband's break from school. We have felt spiritually like this will be a good opportunity for us to move forward in our healing. We will be praying really hard that it stays a positive experience and praying that we will experience a glimpse of the marriage the Lord wants us to one day have. My husband even decided to fast today for that reason (that actually meant a lot, because my husband is the biggest whiny baby on Fast Sundays, and he volunteered to do this completely on his own).

One thought that helps me from the Healing Through Christ manual:

It is important to remember that "feelings aren't facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, reality." (quoting from the Al-Anon book)

It is also important to remember that it's okay to cycle back through these emotions, and it does not mean that I haven't made progress. The journey to healing is not one straight, direct path in which you only move forward. I need to be gentle with myself and give myself the freedom to fall and get back up again.

I am grateful for the reassurance of the Savior every time I pray, and I am so grateful for the incredible tools there are to help us get through this trauma. The Healing Through Christ manual is amazing, and I recommend it to all loved ones of addicts. You can download the PDF for free.

I have also begun my Addo recovery this week, which is a FREE 6-week course to help you through betrayal trauma. I have heard so many good things about this program and am looking forward to digging into it deeper.

Another resource that I have found useful is this chart, which someone shared on a forum I am a member of. It helps me focus my thoughts when evaluating my progress and recovery.

I think I will start a side-bar with the resources I use that I find helpful. I realize that those of you who have been on this recovery journey longer than I have will probably not find anything new here. But I will add them just in case someone stumbles across my blog who is feeling lost and alone and doesn't know what resources are out there.

I am entering this week praying and begging for it to be a good and positive and healing experience for my family. I also pray that all of you will have healing weeks. I pray for you all every day.

Introduction

I found out about my husband's pornography addiction and emotional infidelity 2.5 months ago. We have been married for about 4 years and dated for 2 years prior to that. He never told me about the addiction, and he never planned to. I discovered it literally through the grace of God, and for that I will forever be grateful.

As part of my personal recovery, I have started this blog to share my experiences as I attempt to heal from the wounds of this betrayal trauma. I am joining in a vast community of women who are suffering similar trials with their husbands, boyfriends, brothers, or sons. I am a writer, and as such, writing helps me process and understand my emotions. It validates them and gives them voice. I have been journaling throughout this process, but I believe it is time to begin sharing my experiences in the hope that some woman (or man) somewhere may find even one sentence that helps heal them or gives them hope.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am LDS. I am Mormon. (these all mean the same thing). I am a Christian. My faith is central to my recovery and will be discussed I am sure in great detail on this blog.

I am also a mother to a sweet, special, 11 month old boy, and his presence in my life heals me. Although my ability to mother has definitely suffered as I have suffered for the past 2.5 months (is that really all it has been?), I am grateful to have him, and I hope one day to be the mother he deserves. He will never know how much his love has strengthened and healed me and the extent to which his very existence has saved me from the depths of despair.

Above all, I am a woman. I know that many women in my situation identify themselves as WOPAs (wives of porn addicts), and I completely respect them using that acronym. However, in my personal journey I find it essential to I define myself as an individual and as a divine daughter of God and not to identify myself in terms of my husband. I have been doing that for far too long.

It is time for me.

Thank you for joining me on my healing journey.