Measuring Progress

I have been getting frustrated with myself lately. Every time I feel like I make progress toward healing, something sets me back a thousand paces.

Are you familiar with the stages of grief? They are:

1. Shock and confusion
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Sadness
5. Bargaining
6. Acceptance

I feel like I have spent a lot of time in the first four stages, and not necessarily in order. I had felt like I was able to move toward acceptance, if not even dip my toes into it to see what it feels like. And then last night I was cycling back through those first four stages again like a mad woman, finally dwelling in the sadness of it all.

Elder Uchtdorf said, "The greatest battle of life is fought within the silent chambers of the soul." How true that is. Every night I go to bed completely exhausted, feeling like I have fought an entire war that day. This process of healing is unbelievably taxing. It takes its toll, and it is relentless.

Tomorrow my husband, son, and I are going on a vacation for a week during my husband's break from school. We have felt spiritually like this will be a good opportunity for us to move forward in our healing. We will be praying really hard that it stays a positive experience and praying that we will experience a glimpse of the marriage the Lord wants us to one day have. My husband even decided to fast today for that reason (that actually meant a lot, because my husband is the biggest whiny baby on Fast Sundays, and he volunteered to do this completely on his own).

One thought that helps me from the Healing Through Christ manual:

It is important to remember that "feelings aren't facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, reality." (quoting from the Al-Anon book)

It is also important to remember that it's okay to cycle back through these emotions, and it does not mean that I haven't made progress. The journey to healing is not one straight, direct path in which you only move forward. I need to be gentle with myself and give myself the freedom to fall and get back up again.

I am grateful for the reassurance of the Savior every time I pray, and I am so grateful for the incredible tools there are to help us get through this trauma. The Healing Through Christ manual is amazing, and I recommend it to all loved ones of addicts. You can download the PDF for free.

I have also begun my Addo recovery this week, which is a FREE 6-week course to help you through betrayal trauma. I have heard so many good things about this program and am looking forward to digging into it deeper.

Another resource that I have found useful is this chart, which someone shared on a forum I am a member of. It helps me focus my thoughts when evaluating my progress and recovery.

I think I will start a side-bar with the resources I use that I find helpful. I realize that those of you who have been on this recovery journey longer than I have will probably not find anything new here. But I will add them just in case someone stumbles across my blog who is feeling lost and alone and doesn't know what resources are out there.

I am entering this week praying and begging for it to be a good and positive and healing experience for my family. I also pray that all of you will have healing weeks. I pray for you all every day.