Caring For Myself

I had a pretty good therapy session last week. She said a couple of things that resonated with me and have been helping me along this week.

One of the topics we addressed was what I wrote about last week -- how hard it is for me to believe that my husband loves me, is attracted to me, is satisfied with me, etc. She explained it in a way that seemed to click for me. I will summarize what she said here, in hopes that it can help someone else as well.

Sexual addiction is like any other addiction, so let's compare it to heroin. Pornography and masturbation provide the direct line to the "drug," the rush that it gives, just like shooting heroin is the quickest and easiest way to get the heroin high. It takes a lot more work to get a "high" out of a relationship or out of physical intimacy with a partner. You have to be considerate, spend time together, connect, foreplay, etc. So the addict withdraws more and more from the relationship as he descends further into the addiction. Naturally, as the addict withdraws from the relationship, the relationship will suffer, and his partner will become less satisfied and happy. So the relationship provides less happiness for the addict as well as the partner. Instead of recognizing this as an effect of the addiction, the addict denies that the addiction is the problem (probably even denies that it IS an addiction) and instead blames his partner. It must be her, the addict reasons. She is not making me happy. Maybe someone else would make me happier. Oftentimes this line of reasoning leads to infidelity at some point, but usually the addict returns to pornography and masturbation, because, once again, it's the most direct line to the drug.

For some reason, explaining it that way helped me understand a little bit better how my husband's emotional infidelities were not about me either, and how he can genuinely feel satisfied with our relationship as he is now pulling away from his addiction and investing his time and energy into our relationship and our family.

I still feel skeptical and scared. My husband has just over 100 days sober. He has gone longer than this before (2 years for his mission, 1 year before we were married followed by the first like 7 months of marriage), so I don't feel like we are out of the weeds. But my husband did say that he feels like this is his first time actually being in recovery, because this is the first time he has really understood the severity and nature of the problem and what is required to overcome it.

I am hopeful, but still reserved, as I think I should be. I do see changes in my husband, and I pray and hope that they are permanent changes. There is the obvious change of not looking at porn and masturbating, but for me, the more telling and meaningful changes are the things that change as a result of other changes he is consciously making. I think at some point I will post a list of some of the changes I see, but not today.

I need to practice better self-care. Here are some of the things I have decided I need to do (or at least put effort into doing, while still being gentle with myself and not expecting perfection):

• Read the scriptures every day and pray fervently, morning and night
• Listen to healing music
• Do something every day that I enjoy, like reading (non-addiction related reading) or knitting
• Practice yoga 3x a week, actually attending a class at least once a week
• Drink lots of water and eat good fruits and veggies, limiting sugar consumption
• Work on my own recovery
• Write in my journal regularly
• Be in bed by 11pm every night and get at least 8 hours of sleep
• Focus my thoughts on myself, what I can change, rather than what my husband has done
• Go to individual therapy twice a month
• Be gentle with myself. Make my best effort, but allow myself to make mistakes. Forgive myself for them, and focus on my positive attributes and on feeling the love of God.
• Reach out to others and deepen and expand my friendships

This has been a long and rambling post, but thanks for reading. See you next week. My prayers are with all of you who are struggling, and I also pray that those with addictions will have the courage to come forward and confess, so all of you who are suffering and not even knowing it can begin your healing journeys.

May the peace of God rest upon you and heal your broken hearts.